Arghhhh..... 2nd time to type this. Somehow there was a 'conflict' when I tried to post. Computers!
Paper would not have made me write this twice.
Friday, Had a long 12 hour day at work, but nice. Many calls coming in from providers and the hospital. It's amazing how many times you have to give the save information and health history. Looks like a new decision has been made to place 'expanders' in both breasts in an effort to accomodate making them look closer to the same, well at least in size. This should be interesting. Still does not feel real.
Left my office with my calendar turned to December and with a new soft PINK blanket that one of my brand new employees has made me! People are so nice!! I really need to learn from all these people.
Surgery said to arrive at hospital @ 0900 and to bring good reading material. Surgery schedule somewhere between 1200 and 1300. I have to go in early due to the imaging work that needs to occur first.
This is actually going to be ok. It allows Halloween parades and trick or treating to occur without interruption. Sara and Rob are going to man our house for the trick or treaters for Jim and I on Monday night.
More pink....... Pink car magnets have now arrived, that Rob ordered. Ok, so this is how we are dealing with "it". Support breast cancer awareness! It's amazing what all you can find to buy. Anyone wanting a pink ribbon magnet let me know. I am sure I have extra! : )
After arriving home, mom and I took Kendra, Parker, DJ, Rowan and Brielle to the Halloween Display house, then to McDonalds for an ice cream cone. DJ, Ro and Kaia all spent the night. Kaia did pretty good with sleeping other than having a large poop around midnight!
Saturday, Mom brought Parker and Ken over to the house to carve pumpkins. Well, the kids cleaned out pumpkin guts & drew faces. Jim did all the carving but one scary warty one that mom did.
Sara and Rob came to pick up their kids. Rob loaded my nano with music to help me enjoy/relax to during my short hospital stay. They were also able to enjoy some home made hot bread that the Blacks made for us.
Jim and I finished up some end of the season yard work, then went to a movie. Good to have an excuse for a date night right?
Mom watched Brielle and took her and Ken and Park to a Trunk or Treat party at their ward. Staci is at a Halloween party tonight.
I'm feeling good tonight. I am confident again that the surgery will take care of the problem and be the end of it. I will look back and wonder what all the worry and fuss was about some day. : )
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
October 27th Thursday
Worked in office all day, trying to get PCA schedule done thru the end of the year & other odds and ends. I still need to get FMLA paper work turned in. I procrastinate things I do not like or want to do. Like organizing the mail, organizing all this cancer information and doctor appt.s and sending in FMLA paperwork for something I really don't want to do.
I was doing some of my mandatory education today and looked thru all the diagnoses of those needing hazardous drugs, cancer only being one. How ignorant I have been of all the different & difficult diagnoses people have to deal with. I have been lucky with health and grateful for it. I feel silly for whining away in this blog.
Tomorrow I work on the floor as a nurse & can enjoy the miracle of birth. It looks to be a busy day, so that will keep my mind off things. I have agreed to babysit Sara's kids tomorrow night. NO time for self pity tomorrow.
I received more gifts, hugs and well wishes. I received a beautiful huge planter from the managers in Women Services. It looks perfect in my home. I am so loved, it is always amazing to me and gives me strength.
Looks like on Monday I have to go to imaging first before surgery to have radioactive dye shot into the tumor for them to locate the sentinel node. Wow, it just keeps getting funner. I think I am scheduled for an 1130 start time for surgery, but will find out for sure tomorrow between 2 and 4. I have been told I will be in surgery between 4 to 5 hours.
I kept thinking all day, that this time next week I will finally know which path I am to journey. I feel strong, it's just the unknown, once again that I don't like. This is hard for anyone, but for me I think I like control and have never been good with surprises, good or bad.
I will deal with whatever I am given, I always have & do a good job.
I was doing some of my mandatory education today and looked thru all the diagnoses of those needing hazardous drugs, cancer only being one. How ignorant I have been of all the different & difficult diagnoses people have to deal with. I have been lucky with health and grateful for it. I feel silly for whining away in this blog.
Tomorrow I work on the floor as a nurse & can enjoy the miracle of birth. It looks to be a busy day, so that will keep my mind off things. I have agreed to babysit Sara's kids tomorrow night. NO time for self pity tomorrow.
I received more gifts, hugs and well wishes. I received a beautiful huge planter from the managers in Women Services. It looks perfect in my home. I am so loved, it is always amazing to me and gives me strength.
Looks like on Monday I have to go to imaging first before surgery to have radioactive dye shot into the tumor for them to locate the sentinel node. Wow, it just keeps getting funner. I think I am scheduled for an 1130 start time for surgery, but will find out for sure tomorrow between 2 and 4. I have been told I will be in surgery between 4 to 5 hours.
I kept thinking all day, that this time next week I will finally know which path I am to journey. I feel strong, it's just the unknown, once again that I don't like. This is hard for anyone, but for me I think I like control and have never been good with surprises, good or bad.
I will deal with whatever I am given, I always have & do a good job.
October 26th Wednesday
Looked up MRI results before taking off to a conference. MRI results basically just confirm what the other tests have said. No cancer seen in left breast. The right axilla nodes are prominent BUT are not pathologically enlarged, which is promising news for confirmation of the negative sentinel node we are expecting. Again, I believe this is all because we are catching it early. The microinvasion, they would not comment on, just state it needs to be biopsied, they would not rule out CA. The mass is now 11cm, by this physician measurements.
Attended a conference at Gardner Village in WJ. I have heard this speaker before and she is always very good and gives current and useful information. Excellent food. My appetite is back, pretty well, although I continue to lose weight.
Summer called me and gave me the bad news that she has been laid off at work. Life is not nice to us this month. She was optimistic and said, "well at least I will be available to stay with you" and other positive views. She is a worry wart, a controller ( I wonder where she got that from ) and a great nurturer. She already has been taking great care of me thru this process. All my girls amaze me with their love and concern.
The cancer worry bug visited me again in the night. I slept poorly & had my first dream of a 'cancer diagnoses" post surgery. I also saw the tumor and the mass and it was all awful. I pray that dream is as close to the diagnoses as I will really get.
Attended a conference at Gardner Village in WJ. I have heard this speaker before and she is always very good and gives current and useful information. Excellent food. My appetite is back, pretty well, although I continue to lose weight.
Summer called me and gave me the bad news that she has been laid off at work. Life is not nice to us this month. She was optimistic and said, "well at least I will be available to stay with you" and other positive views. She is a worry wart, a controller ( I wonder where she got that from ) and a great nurturer. She already has been taking great care of me thru this process. All my girls amaze me with their love and concern.
The cancer worry bug visited me again in the night. I slept poorly & had my first dream of a 'cancer diagnoses" post surgery. I also saw the tumor and the mass and it was all awful. I pray that dream is as close to the diagnoses as I will really get.
Tuesday Oct. 25th
Happy Birthday Keith!! Hope your day was a good one.
Took the day off work so I could get a pre-operative MRI done and meet with the plastic surgeon.
Had to have an IV for the MRI which I was not expecting or wanting. I hate IV's, I know I place them all the time, but like I've always said, I would much rather be the nurse than the patient. Luckily they got the vein in one stick. Now I'm obsessing over the thought of the IV on Monday.
The MRI took 45 minutes and I was in a rather strange position, which I would rather not elaborate on. I keep my eyes closed and try to go another place in my head.
Ran home and met up with sister Staci and mom, then off to see the plastic surgeon. Her office was very tastefully done. Very high tech. I am use to the industrial sameness of all the Intermountain offices so it was a nice change. The Physician was very professional and a good listener. I am being a minimalist with the reconstructive work. She did offer an option of the latest and greatest, but I am more interested in minimal surgery and fast recovery. Looks like I was dreaming when I thought this could all be taken care of in one surgery. Get rid of the time bomb and come out with a new breast. Oh no, not that simple. I will have an 'expander' placed for 3 months, then go back in regular intervals to have the expander 'tanked up" via a port. After 3 months I return for the implant. Then later go back for a nipple surgery, then later go back for fat deposits around the implant. And this is the simple version. Medicine is so interesting!
After the appt. went out to a yummy lunch to the Asian Star.
Came home and worked on paperwork both for surgery and PCA schedule for work.
Had a good night's sleep.
Took the day off work so I could get a pre-operative MRI done and meet with the plastic surgeon.
Had to have an IV for the MRI which I was not expecting or wanting. I hate IV's, I know I place them all the time, but like I've always said, I would much rather be the nurse than the patient. Luckily they got the vein in one stick. Now I'm obsessing over the thought of the IV on Monday.
The MRI took 45 minutes and I was in a rather strange position, which I would rather not elaborate on. I keep my eyes closed and try to go another place in my head.
Ran home and met up with sister Staci and mom, then off to see the plastic surgeon. Her office was very tastefully done. Very high tech. I am use to the industrial sameness of all the Intermountain offices so it was a nice change. The Physician was very professional and a good listener. I am being a minimalist with the reconstructive work. She did offer an option of the latest and greatest, but I am more interested in minimal surgery and fast recovery. Looks like I was dreaming when I thought this could all be taken care of in one surgery. Get rid of the time bomb and come out with a new breast. Oh no, not that simple. I will have an 'expander' placed for 3 months, then go back in regular intervals to have the expander 'tanked up" via a port. After 3 months I return for the implant. Then later go back for a nipple surgery, then later go back for fat deposits around the implant. And this is the simple version. Medicine is so interesting!
After the appt. went out to a yummy lunch to the Asian Star.
Came home and worked on paperwork both for surgery and PCA schedule for work.
Had a good night's sleep.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday and Monday October 23 & 24th
Sunday............Another beautiful fall day. Went to a regional Stake Conference. Elder Bednard gave an awesome talk on testimony, conversion and the character of Christ. It was an inspiring talk, as well as one you felt you learned new perspective & doctrine. After church we took a motorcycle ride to Memory Grove and walked around with Staci and Brielle and enjoyed the day. Came home and had dinner with the family. Nice NORMAL day
Monday........... Went to fitness center in am, then into work. Colleen got called in @ 0130 to work, she spared me the call. That was very generous of her, but I felt very bad since she had to do NRP testing all day, then had Coordinating Council in late afternoon.
It had been recommended that I attend the Breast Cancer Support group before my surgery. So I went from 6-7:30 with Mom and daughter Staci. Not really a good idea. The women there were all in a bad place. I hope it was beneficial and helpful for them, it was not for me.
Monday........... Went to fitness center in am, then into work. Colleen got called in @ 0130 to work, she spared me the call. That was very generous of her, but I felt very bad since she had to do NRP testing all day, then had Coordinating Council in late afternoon.
It had been recommended that I attend the Breast Cancer Support group before my surgery. So I went from 6-7:30 with Mom and daughter Staci. Not really a good idea. The women there were all in a bad place. I hope it was beneficial and helpful for them, it was not for me.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
A Beautiful Saturday October 22nd
I work up at 0700 & thought I would get caught up on these posts. The internet was down so I read my book club book "Tending Roses" instead. What a gorgeous morning and day it has been!!!! Loved it!!!
The trees are amazing. Had a fairly lazy day. Summer is moving, so we helped her move furniture in the afternoon, then I went to Wheeler Farm with the grand kids. Kaia was so cute. She loved the wagon ride and the pumpkin patch. If I knew how to put pictures on this blog I would share one with you.
While we were at Wheeler Farm, Staci read me a message from my "little bro", Jason that lives in AZ. I am assuming it was on face book. So nice! He is always a rock.
Thanks for the chocolate brownies, Diane. Another great card to add to the "crushing" of the pathology report.
As far as my "situation", I have decided against a preventative mastectomy on the left side. I will talk to the plastic surgeon for her opinion on Tuesday about this as well, but SERIOUSLY enough is enough.
The trees are amazing. Had a fairly lazy day. Summer is moving, so we helped her move furniture in the afternoon, then I went to Wheeler Farm with the grand kids. Kaia was so cute. She loved the wagon ride and the pumpkin patch. If I knew how to put pictures on this blog I would share one with you.
While we were at Wheeler Farm, Staci read me a message from my "little bro", Jason that lives in AZ. I am assuming it was on face book. So nice! He is always a rock.
Thanks for the chocolate brownies, Diane. Another great card to add to the "crushing" of the pathology report.
As far as my "situation", I have decided against a preventative mastectomy on the left side. I will talk to the plastic surgeon for her opinion on Tuesday about this as well, but SERIOUSLY enough is enough.
Friday October 21st, 10 days away from Halloween
I slept in today. It felt so good. I woke up feeling strong. I look thru my sweet gifts, books,caffeine free diet coke and smile. I placed the paper from the pathologist with my diagnoses on it in the middle of all the beautiful cards I have received, as if to crush it with caring thoughts and prayers. I am keeping perspective and tapping into my spirituality. I can totally do this.
My brother Keith called me today. He told me he was unable to call me until he was able to keep his emotions in check. He is dealing with anger right now. He is an amazing person and does so much work in the community for those who struggle with addictions. He has many of the inmates at the prison praying for me as well as his large community of friends. Tonight he is hosting a special sweat in my behalf. I am honored and look forward to more positive energy.
Went to work for 6 hours, sent an email out to the staff to explain " my situation ". I have not shared this blog address with very many folks, no one at work but Colleen. Maybe later I will.................
I love the show Soul Surfer, so Staci, Brielle and I watched it this evening. It is an inspiring movie and means even more to me now.
I climbed into bed and started to go thru ALL the cancer binders. I felt my courage waiver as I sifted thru the information. I don't like night time, I get terribly frightened at times. Frightened once again of the unknown. Where did all my courage & strength go from this morning?
My brother Keith called me today. He told me he was unable to call me until he was able to keep his emotions in check. He is dealing with anger right now. He is an amazing person and does so much work in the community for those who struggle with addictions. He has many of the inmates at the prison praying for me as well as his large community of friends. Tonight he is hosting a special sweat in my behalf. I am honored and look forward to more positive energy.
Went to work for 6 hours, sent an email out to the staff to explain " my situation ". I have not shared this blog address with very many folks, no one at work but Colleen. Maybe later I will.................
I love the show Soul Surfer, so Staci, Brielle and I watched it this evening. It is an inspiring movie and means even more to me now.
I climbed into bed and started to go thru ALL the cancer binders. I felt my courage waiver as I sifted thru the information. I don't like night time, I get terribly frightened at times. Frightened once again of the unknown. Where did all my courage & strength go from this morning?
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