Arghhhh..... 2nd time to type this. Somehow there was a 'conflict' when I tried to post. Computers!
Paper would not have made me write this twice.
Friday, Had a long 12 hour day at work, but nice. Many calls coming in from providers and the hospital. It's amazing how many times you have to give the save information and health history. Looks like a new decision has been made to place 'expanders' in both breasts in an effort to accomodate making them look closer to the same, well at least in size. This should be interesting. Still does not feel real.
Left my office with my calendar turned to December and with a new soft PINK blanket that one of my brand new employees has made me! People are so nice!! I really need to learn from all these people.
Surgery said to arrive at hospital @ 0900 and to bring good reading material. Surgery schedule somewhere between 1200 and 1300. I have to go in early due to the imaging work that needs to occur first.
This is actually going to be ok. It allows Halloween parades and trick or treating to occur without interruption. Sara and Rob are going to man our house for the trick or treaters for Jim and I on Monday night.
More pink....... Pink car magnets have now arrived, that Rob ordered. Ok, so this is how we are dealing with "it". Support breast cancer awareness! It's amazing what all you can find to buy. Anyone wanting a pink ribbon magnet let me know. I am sure I have extra! : )
After arriving home, mom and I took Kendra, Parker, DJ, Rowan and Brielle to the Halloween Display house, then to McDonalds for an ice cream cone. DJ, Ro and Kaia all spent the night. Kaia did pretty good with sleeping other than having a large poop around midnight!
Saturday, Mom brought Parker and Ken over to the house to carve pumpkins. Well, the kids cleaned out pumpkin guts & drew faces. Jim did all the carving but one scary warty one that mom did.
Sara and Rob came to pick up their kids. Rob loaded my nano with music to help me enjoy/relax to during my short hospital stay. They were also able to enjoy some home made hot bread that the Blacks made for us.
Jim and I finished up some end of the season yard work, then went to a movie. Good to have an excuse for a date night right?
Mom watched Brielle and took her and Ken and Park to a Trunk or Treat party at their ward. Staci is at a Halloween party tonight.
I'm feeling good tonight. I am confident again that the surgery will take care of the problem and be the end of it. I will look back and wonder what all the worry and fuss was about some day. : )
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
October 27th Thursday
Worked in office all day, trying to get PCA schedule done thru the end of the year & other odds and ends. I still need to get FMLA paper work turned in. I procrastinate things I do not like or want to do. Like organizing the mail, organizing all this cancer information and doctor appt.s and sending in FMLA paperwork for something I really don't want to do.
I was doing some of my mandatory education today and looked thru all the diagnoses of those needing hazardous drugs, cancer only being one. How ignorant I have been of all the different & difficult diagnoses people have to deal with. I have been lucky with health and grateful for it. I feel silly for whining away in this blog.
Tomorrow I work on the floor as a nurse & can enjoy the miracle of birth. It looks to be a busy day, so that will keep my mind off things. I have agreed to babysit Sara's kids tomorrow night. NO time for self pity tomorrow.
I received more gifts, hugs and well wishes. I received a beautiful huge planter from the managers in Women Services. It looks perfect in my home. I am so loved, it is always amazing to me and gives me strength.
Looks like on Monday I have to go to imaging first before surgery to have radioactive dye shot into the tumor for them to locate the sentinel node. Wow, it just keeps getting funner. I think I am scheduled for an 1130 start time for surgery, but will find out for sure tomorrow between 2 and 4. I have been told I will be in surgery between 4 to 5 hours.
I kept thinking all day, that this time next week I will finally know which path I am to journey. I feel strong, it's just the unknown, once again that I don't like. This is hard for anyone, but for me I think I like control and have never been good with surprises, good or bad.
I will deal with whatever I am given, I always have & do a good job.
I was doing some of my mandatory education today and looked thru all the diagnoses of those needing hazardous drugs, cancer only being one. How ignorant I have been of all the different & difficult diagnoses people have to deal with. I have been lucky with health and grateful for it. I feel silly for whining away in this blog.
Tomorrow I work on the floor as a nurse & can enjoy the miracle of birth. It looks to be a busy day, so that will keep my mind off things. I have agreed to babysit Sara's kids tomorrow night. NO time for self pity tomorrow.
I received more gifts, hugs and well wishes. I received a beautiful huge planter from the managers in Women Services. It looks perfect in my home. I am so loved, it is always amazing to me and gives me strength.
Looks like on Monday I have to go to imaging first before surgery to have radioactive dye shot into the tumor for them to locate the sentinel node. Wow, it just keeps getting funner. I think I am scheduled for an 1130 start time for surgery, but will find out for sure tomorrow between 2 and 4. I have been told I will be in surgery between 4 to 5 hours.
I kept thinking all day, that this time next week I will finally know which path I am to journey. I feel strong, it's just the unknown, once again that I don't like. This is hard for anyone, but for me I think I like control and have never been good with surprises, good or bad.
I will deal with whatever I am given, I always have & do a good job.
October 26th Wednesday
Looked up MRI results before taking off to a conference. MRI results basically just confirm what the other tests have said. No cancer seen in left breast. The right axilla nodes are prominent BUT are not pathologically enlarged, which is promising news for confirmation of the negative sentinel node we are expecting. Again, I believe this is all because we are catching it early. The microinvasion, they would not comment on, just state it needs to be biopsied, they would not rule out CA. The mass is now 11cm, by this physician measurements.
Attended a conference at Gardner Village in WJ. I have heard this speaker before and she is always very good and gives current and useful information. Excellent food. My appetite is back, pretty well, although I continue to lose weight.
Summer called me and gave me the bad news that she has been laid off at work. Life is not nice to us this month. She was optimistic and said, "well at least I will be available to stay with you" and other positive views. She is a worry wart, a controller ( I wonder where she got that from ) and a great nurturer. She already has been taking great care of me thru this process. All my girls amaze me with their love and concern.
The cancer worry bug visited me again in the night. I slept poorly & had my first dream of a 'cancer diagnoses" post surgery. I also saw the tumor and the mass and it was all awful. I pray that dream is as close to the diagnoses as I will really get.
Attended a conference at Gardner Village in WJ. I have heard this speaker before and she is always very good and gives current and useful information. Excellent food. My appetite is back, pretty well, although I continue to lose weight.
Summer called me and gave me the bad news that she has been laid off at work. Life is not nice to us this month. She was optimistic and said, "well at least I will be available to stay with you" and other positive views. She is a worry wart, a controller ( I wonder where she got that from ) and a great nurturer. She already has been taking great care of me thru this process. All my girls amaze me with their love and concern.
The cancer worry bug visited me again in the night. I slept poorly & had my first dream of a 'cancer diagnoses" post surgery. I also saw the tumor and the mass and it was all awful. I pray that dream is as close to the diagnoses as I will really get.
Tuesday Oct. 25th
Happy Birthday Keith!! Hope your day was a good one.
Took the day off work so I could get a pre-operative MRI done and meet with the plastic surgeon.
Had to have an IV for the MRI which I was not expecting or wanting. I hate IV's, I know I place them all the time, but like I've always said, I would much rather be the nurse than the patient. Luckily they got the vein in one stick. Now I'm obsessing over the thought of the IV on Monday.
The MRI took 45 minutes and I was in a rather strange position, which I would rather not elaborate on. I keep my eyes closed and try to go another place in my head.
Ran home and met up with sister Staci and mom, then off to see the plastic surgeon. Her office was very tastefully done. Very high tech. I am use to the industrial sameness of all the Intermountain offices so it was a nice change. The Physician was very professional and a good listener. I am being a minimalist with the reconstructive work. She did offer an option of the latest and greatest, but I am more interested in minimal surgery and fast recovery. Looks like I was dreaming when I thought this could all be taken care of in one surgery. Get rid of the time bomb and come out with a new breast. Oh no, not that simple. I will have an 'expander' placed for 3 months, then go back in regular intervals to have the expander 'tanked up" via a port. After 3 months I return for the implant. Then later go back for a nipple surgery, then later go back for fat deposits around the implant. And this is the simple version. Medicine is so interesting!
After the appt. went out to a yummy lunch to the Asian Star.
Came home and worked on paperwork both for surgery and PCA schedule for work.
Had a good night's sleep.
Took the day off work so I could get a pre-operative MRI done and meet with the plastic surgeon.
Had to have an IV for the MRI which I was not expecting or wanting. I hate IV's, I know I place them all the time, but like I've always said, I would much rather be the nurse than the patient. Luckily they got the vein in one stick. Now I'm obsessing over the thought of the IV on Monday.
The MRI took 45 minutes and I was in a rather strange position, which I would rather not elaborate on. I keep my eyes closed and try to go another place in my head.
Ran home and met up with sister Staci and mom, then off to see the plastic surgeon. Her office was very tastefully done. Very high tech. I am use to the industrial sameness of all the Intermountain offices so it was a nice change. The Physician was very professional and a good listener. I am being a minimalist with the reconstructive work. She did offer an option of the latest and greatest, but I am more interested in minimal surgery and fast recovery. Looks like I was dreaming when I thought this could all be taken care of in one surgery. Get rid of the time bomb and come out with a new breast. Oh no, not that simple. I will have an 'expander' placed for 3 months, then go back in regular intervals to have the expander 'tanked up" via a port. After 3 months I return for the implant. Then later go back for a nipple surgery, then later go back for fat deposits around the implant. And this is the simple version. Medicine is so interesting!
After the appt. went out to a yummy lunch to the Asian Star.
Came home and worked on paperwork both for surgery and PCA schedule for work.
Had a good night's sleep.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday and Monday October 23 & 24th
Sunday............Another beautiful fall day. Went to a regional Stake Conference. Elder Bednard gave an awesome talk on testimony, conversion and the character of Christ. It was an inspiring talk, as well as one you felt you learned new perspective & doctrine. After church we took a motorcycle ride to Memory Grove and walked around with Staci and Brielle and enjoyed the day. Came home and had dinner with the family. Nice NORMAL day
Monday........... Went to fitness center in am, then into work. Colleen got called in @ 0130 to work, she spared me the call. That was very generous of her, but I felt very bad since she had to do NRP testing all day, then had Coordinating Council in late afternoon.
It had been recommended that I attend the Breast Cancer Support group before my surgery. So I went from 6-7:30 with Mom and daughter Staci. Not really a good idea. The women there were all in a bad place. I hope it was beneficial and helpful for them, it was not for me.
Monday........... Went to fitness center in am, then into work. Colleen got called in @ 0130 to work, she spared me the call. That was very generous of her, but I felt very bad since she had to do NRP testing all day, then had Coordinating Council in late afternoon.
It had been recommended that I attend the Breast Cancer Support group before my surgery. So I went from 6-7:30 with Mom and daughter Staci. Not really a good idea. The women there were all in a bad place. I hope it was beneficial and helpful for them, it was not for me.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
A Beautiful Saturday October 22nd
I work up at 0700 & thought I would get caught up on these posts. The internet was down so I read my book club book "Tending Roses" instead. What a gorgeous morning and day it has been!!!! Loved it!!!
The trees are amazing. Had a fairly lazy day. Summer is moving, so we helped her move furniture in the afternoon, then I went to Wheeler Farm with the grand kids. Kaia was so cute. She loved the wagon ride and the pumpkin patch. If I knew how to put pictures on this blog I would share one with you.
While we were at Wheeler Farm, Staci read me a message from my "little bro", Jason that lives in AZ. I am assuming it was on face book. So nice! He is always a rock.
Thanks for the chocolate brownies, Diane. Another great card to add to the "crushing" of the pathology report.
As far as my "situation", I have decided against a preventative mastectomy on the left side. I will talk to the plastic surgeon for her opinion on Tuesday about this as well, but SERIOUSLY enough is enough.
The trees are amazing. Had a fairly lazy day. Summer is moving, so we helped her move furniture in the afternoon, then I went to Wheeler Farm with the grand kids. Kaia was so cute. She loved the wagon ride and the pumpkin patch. If I knew how to put pictures on this blog I would share one with you.
While we were at Wheeler Farm, Staci read me a message from my "little bro", Jason that lives in AZ. I am assuming it was on face book. So nice! He is always a rock.
Thanks for the chocolate brownies, Diane. Another great card to add to the "crushing" of the pathology report.
As far as my "situation", I have decided against a preventative mastectomy on the left side. I will talk to the plastic surgeon for her opinion on Tuesday about this as well, but SERIOUSLY enough is enough.
Friday October 21st, 10 days away from Halloween
I slept in today. It felt so good. I woke up feeling strong. I look thru my sweet gifts, books,caffeine free diet coke and smile. I placed the paper from the pathologist with my diagnoses on it in the middle of all the beautiful cards I have received, as if to crush it with caring thoughts and prayers. I am keeping perspective and tapping into my spirituality. I can totally do this.
My brother Keith called me today. He told me he was unable to call me until he was able to keep his emotions in check. He is dealing with anger right now. He is an amazing person and does so much work in the community for those who struggle with addictions. He has many of the inmates at the prison praying for me as well as his large community of friends. Tonight he is hosting a special sweat in my behalf. I am honored and look forward to more positive energy.
Went to work for 6 hours, sent an email out to the staff to explain " my situation ". I have not shared this blog address with very many folks, no one at work but Colleen. Maybe later I will.................
I love the show Soul Surfer, so Staci, Brielle and I watched it this evening. It is an inspiring movie and means even more to me now.
I climbed into bed and started to go thru ALL the cancer binders. I felt my courage waiver as I sifted thru the information. I don't like night time, I get terribly frightened at times. Frightened once again of the unknown. Where did all my courage & strength go from this morning?
My brother Keith called me today. He told me he was unable to call me until he was able to keep his emotions in check. He is dealing with anger right now. He is an amazing person and does so much work in the community for those who struggle with addictions. He has many of the inmates at the prison praying for me as well as his large community of friends. Tonight he is hosting a special sweat in my behalf. I am honored and look forward to more positive energy.
Went to work for 6 hours, sent an email out to the staff to explain " my situation ". I have not shared this blog address with very many folks, no one at work but Colleen. Maybe later I will.................
I love the show Soul Surfer, so Staci, Brielle and I watched it this evening. It is an inspiring movie and means even more to me now.
I climbed into bed and started to go thru ALL the cancer binders. I felt my courage waiver as I sifted thru the information. I don't like night time, I get terribly frightened at times. Frightened once again of the unknown. Where did all my courage & strength go from this morning?
Thursday October 20th Multidisciplinary Team
Jim and I went to LDSH to the Cancer Clinic to meet with the multidisciplinary team. This is somewhat like 'one stop shopping" for cancer. New cases are reviewed at 0700, then all us lucky folk have an appt. to meet with the MD team for their recommendations and to help us navigate thru this experience that we did not sign up for.
My appt. was @ 0830. After donning a cute little camisole that Velcros up the front, we began a 3 hour session in which we met with 8 different individuals who explained their role and helped answer questions. Let's see, there was a surgeon, who explained quite well surgery options, he also suggested I consider preventative mastectomy on the left side as well. He answered the bulk of my questions. We also met with a oncology radiologist, a chemo doctor, a nutritionist, a nurse practitioner, a representative from the American Cancer Society, a occupational therapist that specializes in lymphedema, a social worker & a geneticist. I left the clinic with 2 binders full of information and a MRI scheduled for next Tuesday morning. I was a bit overwhelmed and tired, but I still had to go to work. Jim took me out for some lunch at Grape Vine for a salad.
I really can't even remember all that was said.
I remember the drawings that the surgeon did. That he told us the pathologist said the tumor had negative receptor cells for estrogen and progesterone, which is not normally good, but since it is non-invasive I believe this to be moot. When the calcifications are biopsied this will be more important should there be cancer. He also explained why my calcifications were significant, the fact that it is large and came on suddenly and that the tumor was high grade, puts me in a higher risk category, but he could not give me a percentage. Normally microcalcifications are found to be cancerous 20% of the time. Not sure what this means for me. I have chosen to stick with the 20% of the time.
The radiologist said that radiation rx is 5 days per week for 5 weeks should I need it. Most common side affect is redness at the radiated site, fatigue and a small % get a pneumnitis. I thanked him for his time and told him I would not be needing his services.
I can't remember what the chemo guy said. The nutrionist said to eat a lot of protein & fiber and to not mega dose on fish oil. I could take as much Vitamin C as I wanted.
I knew two of the 8 individuals which is always interesting to me. The NP is actually a CNM that I work with in L&D. The woman from the American Cancer Society is a gal that I see at the Fitness Center all the time. She is usually just getting out of the shower when I am arriving and she leaves the bathroom smelling so nice. She gave me one of the binders and told me about a support group every other Monday night.
The geneticist said that my sister and daughter were at no higher risk than the general population. That I do not have a family gene ,so to speak, from my family history.
Anyway, over all I was impressed with the collaboration of care that was offered. I felt tired & drained all day. I had a primary presidency meeting later that evening, in which I shared my news. The primary program is coming up in November and I am disappointed I will be of little use. The women are all awesome & talented and I look forward to working with them.
I was so tired and looked forward to bedtime without the aide of Ambien : )
My appt. was @ 0830. After donning a cute little camisole that Velcros up the front, we began a 3 hour session in which we met with 8 different individuals who explained their role and helped answer questions. Let's see, there was a surgeon, who explained quite well surgery options, he also suggested I consider preventative mastectomy on the left side as well. He answered the bulk of my questions. We also met with a oncology radiologist, a chemo doctor, a nutritionist, a nurse practitioner, a representative from the American Cancer Society, a occupational therapist that specializes in lymphedema, a social worker & a geneticist. I left the clinic with 2 binders full of information and a MRI scheduled for next Tuesday morning. I was a bit overwhelmed and tired, but I still had to go to work. Jim took me out for some lunch at Grape Vine for a salad.
I really can't even remember all that was said.
I remember the drawings that the surgeon did. That he told us the pathologist said the tumor had negative receptor cells for estrogen and progesterone, which is not normally good, but since it is non-invasive I believe this to be moot. When the calcifications are biopsied this will be more important should there be cancer. He also explained why my calcifications were significant, the fact that it is large and came on suddenly and that the tumor was high grade, puts me in a higher risk category, but he could not give me a percentage. Normally microcalcifications are found to be cancerous 20% of the time. Not sure what this means for me. I have chosen to stick with the 20% of the time.
The radiologist said that radiation rx is 5 days per week for 5 weeks should I need it. Most common side affect is redness at the radiated site, fatigue and a small % get a pneumnitis. I thanked him for his time and told him I would not be needing his services.
I can't remember what the chemo guy said. The nutrionist said to eat a lot of protein & fiber and to not mega dose on fish oil. I could take as much Vitamin C as I wanted.
I knew two of the 8 individuals which is always interesting to me. The NP is actually a CNM that I work with in L&D. The woman from the American Cancer Society is a gal that I see at the Fitness Center all the time. She is usually just getting out of the shower when I am arriving and she leaves the bathroom smelling so nice. She gave me one of the binders and told me about a support group every other Monday night.
The geneticist said that my sister and daughter were at no higher risk than the general population. That I do not have a family gene ,so to speak, from my family history.
Anyway, over all I was impressed with the collaboration of care that was offered. I felt tired & drained all day. I had a primary presidency meeting later that evening, in which I shared my news. The primary program is coming up in November and I am disappointed I will be of little use. The women are all awesome & talented and I look forward to working with them.
I was so tired and looked forward to bedtime without the aide of Ambien : )
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 19
Is everyone current on their mammograms? Show me your support. Schedule your mammogram tomorrow!
V Fred
V Fred
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday October 18th Good News Day
Let me start by saying, that I am still uneasy and weirded out by this social media stuff. I do not have a Facebook account and am not convinced about all this. I think of myself as more private, but my daughters are quite insistent blogging is helpful & needed. I don't want to make a big deal over any of this, when I know others have far worse challenges. I appreciate my daughters love and concern and time to create this blog (blog, what a weird name).
Last night we discovered good news, that the tumor, somewhere between 1.4-2 cm depending on what report you read, is High Grade DCIS (ductal carcinoma insitu) The "in situ" is the good news. The cancer is in its 'shell' and has not penetrated the membrane wall. "High Grade" means that the cancer cells are very active and multiplying quickly, BUT they are incapsulated.
I met with my surgeon today, who was mostly very re-assuring. It was helpful for Jim to have met with him. He feels encouraged. We were told that normally this would involve a lumpectomy & no chemo, possibly no radiation, if lymph nodes were negative. In my case, there is also 10 cm of rare microcalcifications found that have a multitude of "stars" in their mists. Due to the "abundance" of the calcifications, the breast cannot be saved. During surgery they will examine the sentinel lymph node and will do multiple biopsies on the calcifications. We will have to wait 2-5 days for the biopsy results.
This Thursday I will meet with a multidisciplinary cancer team. My case will be presented to the "tumor board" at 0700. Then at 0830 I will meet with all those who will be involved in the treatment and care (radiologist, oncologist, nutrionists, genetic counselor, social worker, American Cancer Society, etc.) I was told that reconstructive work should be possible at the time of the surgery. I do not have an appt. made yet with a plastic surgeon, but do have one who has agreed to work with me & scheduled the reconstructive surgery at the same time as the mastectomy.
So Happy Halloween!!! The "scary tumor" will be removed on Halloween Day.
I feel ok about this date as I have been reassured that the prognosis is looking good and it allows me to get my home life and work somewhat caught up.
Thank you so much for the prayers, kind words, and loving cards, posts, and emails! Your good thoughts and prayers are working!!!!! I love the power of prayer.
Are you suppose to sign off on a blog???
Pink Ribbon Family Mom alias V Fred
Last night we discovered good news, that the tumor, somewhere between 1.4-2 cm depending on what report you read, is High Grade DCIS (ductal carcinoma insitu) The "in situ" is the good news. The cancer is in its 'shell' and has not penetrated the membrane wall. "High Grade" means that the cancer cells are very active and multiplying quickly, BUT they are incapsulated.
I met with my surgeon today, who was mostly very re-assuring. It was helpful for Jim to have met with him. He feels encouraged. We were told that normally this would involve a lumpectomy & no chemo, possibly no radiation, if lymph nodes were negative. In my case, there is also 10 cm of rare microcalcifications found that have a multitude of "stars" in their mists. Due to the "abundance" of the calcifications, the breast cannot be saved. During surgery they will examine the sentinel lymph node and will do multiple biopsies on the calcifications. We will have to wait 2-5 days for the biopsy results.
This Thursday I will meet with a multidisciplinary cancer team. My case will be presented to the "tumor board" at 0700. Then at 0830 I will meet with all those who will be involved in the treatment and care (radiologist, oncologist, nutrionists, genetic counselor, social worker, American Cancer Society, etc.) I was told that reconstructive work should be possible at the time of the surgery. I do not have an appt. made yet with a plastic surgeon, but do have one who has agreed to work with me & scheduled the reconstructive surgery at the same time as the mastectomy.
So Happy Halloween!!! The "scary tumor" will be removed on Halloween Day.
I feel ok about this date as I have been reassured that the prognosis is looking good and it allows me to get my home life and work somewhat caught up.
Thank you so much for the prayers, kind words, and loving cards, posts, and emails! Your good thoughts and prayers are working!!!!! I love the power of prayer.
Are you suppose to sign off on a blog???
Pink Ribbon Family Mom alias V Fred
Monday, October 17
I checked for results from patho all day. No results. Unable to concentrate at work. Still no appetite (chai tea, and half a yogurt). My right nipple has a constant ached/throb/over-stimulated feeling to it.
My awesome OB dr. called the pathologist herself around 5:00 pm. The pathologist shared with her that he was not complete with his results yet, but it was looking to be non-invasive ductal carcinoma. This is the best news yet. I’m half way there to not needing chemo. Just need to have negative lymph nodes.
Spoke with a dear friend Andrea on the phone tonight who is a breast cancer survivor of 11 years. She earlier had left me a beautiful card and willow statue in my office that greeted me when I walked in this morning, along with an interesting basket full of seasonal gords from Wendy. I also received a breast cancer bracelet from Bonnie which has the words “strength” and “courage” on it. People have been so generous. Multiple cards. Colene and I paraded around in our pink ribbon lapel pins. She’s been extremely supportive as well. Andrea was very encouraging and made me feel much better about what is going to happen. My surgeon does surgeries on Thursdays and Mondays. I really don’t think I will be having surgery until next week. I see my surgeon tomorrow at 4:00 after working my shift. Hoping for more encouraging news. It doesn’t sound like me to have to have cancer, let alone chemo. I was telling Jim that this diagnosis just doesn’t sound like me so finding out it’s non-invasive sounds more like me. I am not a problem.
Time for another ambien. I need to be at work at 6 am.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16
I had to help Daemon write a talk today for primary. He did a great job. Rowan also had to give a scripture today, which we were not prepared for. Poor cute girl. I’ve conducted primary the past 2 weeks, it’s not as easy as it looks.
This evening Summer, Sara, Rob, Daemon, Rowan, and Kaia were all here for dinner. Staci and Brielle were at Frightmares. I have this nausea that keeps coming and going so I didn’t eat dinner with everyone else. Today I felt pretty well until tonight.
Staci colored my hair, it’s probably the last time. While I was in the shower washing out the dye I had a small melt down. How can my cute breasts turn on me? This is so gross.
The clock ticking in the bathroom is ominous, it’s forcing me into my future.
I see I have missed a few texts so I am responding to them now. This interaction is making me more nervous.
I have this stupid chronic cough which I believe is somewhere between a bad habit, nerves, or allergies. This is the third time in my life where I have coughed to the point of throwing up. I cough to the point of gagging on a fairly regular basis, but never on this level. It’s my stress. This constant worry of the unknown is very hard. I cannot stand to be the problem. I have worked so hard to not be a problem to anyone in my life. I have been solid and dependable. I control things. I don’t know how to do this, it breaks my heart L. I do not want to add stress to people, there is already so much stress in everyone’s life.
Ok I’m exhausted, I’m taking an ambien. I hope I can sleep more than five hours tonight.
Saturday, October 15
Tanya Schaffer stopped by the house yesterday and dropped off this journal (I write in a journal and Staci types it for me) and cute card. Awesome, one item off my list to do. The girls are setting up a blog for me to journal but that’s all going to be new for me. I’m a little nervous about all the new experiences waiting for me :-/ .
I know one thing, I am hugely loved and supported. I just hope I don’t wear out a good thing.
I spent the day going to a baby shower for an old friend, to a pumpkin patch with Brielle and Staci, and later on to a wedding reception. It felt kind of weird keeping a deep dark secret from everyone.
Staci is having a pink fetish. She has come home with pink nail polish, pink tweezers with ribbons on them, a pink flat iron, a pink magnet picture frame, a pink notebook, a pink pen, pink breast cancer awareness bags, and a pink callous remover. I have vowed to wear my pink pin (free from the breast care center), and pink nail polish until this journey is over. When I told Staci this she went out and bought 4 more bottles of pink polish.
I am going to slowly backdate a calendar of events leading up to all of this. Here is what I have so far.
Calendar of Events: Sometime in the 3rd week of September I was doing a large load of laundry from our trip to Lake Powell. In reaching across the bed somehow I felt a tenderness/pull/pain in my breast. I don’t believe I really addressed it seriously until the first week of October. I remember thinking that everyday I was hearing the word "cancer". It was so weird! On the radio, billboards, work, General Conference, etc. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and they do a good job, at least with me. I began to palpate my right breast on a regular basis, compare the two breasts, then started having family members give it a “feel”. We all had our own opinions of what we were feeling. Of course I thought of cancer, but I easily dismissed it, since things like that don’t happen to me!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
October 12th, 13th and 14th Life Changing Days
12th Had a dx mammogram and US done @ IMC Breast Care Center. Not good news. Started leaking fluid from right breast/nipple.
Scheduled for biopsy in am.
13th Biopsy done on tumor followed by another mammogram 8 Gauge needle. Apparently there is a large area of microcalcifications as well as the tumor. Radiologist concerned.
14th Right breast large red area around biopsy site, breast very swollen. Back down to Breast Care center, where they dx celluitis. Breast was drained, culture specimen sent to radiology. Radiologist concerned about fast on set of ? infection. Placed me on two antibiotics. One to cover MRSA. That's all I need!!!!!!!!!!!
Pharmacy closed before I could pick up my RX's. Had to go back into work and ask Dr. Jackson to re-write the RX's, which he gladly did. Honestly what a week!!
Scheduled for biopsy in am.
13th Biopsy done on tumor followed by another mammogram 8 Gauge needle. Apparently there is a large area of microcalcifications as well as the tumor. Radiologist concerned.
14th Right breast large red area around biopsy site, breast very swollen. Back down to Breast Care center, where they dx celluitis. Breast was drained, culture specimen sent to radiology. Radiologist concerned about fast on set of ? infection. Placed me on two antibiotics. One to cover MRSA. That's all I need!!!!!!!!!!!
Pharmacy closed before I could pick up my RX's. Had to go back into work and ask Dr. Jackson to re-write the RX's, which he gladly did. Honestly what a week!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)